STATE
A poor disposition is a miserable state. So, change it at its moment of awareness. Move, go outside, converse, sing, swim, whatever. Create a change of circumstance by altering the currently unpleasurable or “negative” existence, location, action or thought, mood or frame of mind. I do my best to climb out and close the worm hole to stem the disintegration that is pulling me apart. So, I’ll enter a new state of being… at least for a second or two to see where that spark may take me.
There are those comfy places that elicit the feelings of “home” (whatever that personally means). And there are those uncomfortable places that stir my curiosity. What happens if I stay here, in the darkness, the chaos, the pain with a seductive pull to go deeper? What is the best choice, entertain the questions of darkness or to retreat to the known and comfortable? I mean, why poke the bear?
Why can’t I simply ride the current in the direction it flows? Somehow, and I don’t know why, I feel more alive swimming upstream into the shadow. Do not get me wrong, after 6 hours, I felt unmitigated glee swimming into the Hudson River, accelerating with the current to 3 or 4 knots to the finish at the Battery. But that was after swimming against the tide for 90 minutes in the Harlem River. Being the middle of winter, a cold swim is a swift and acute avenue for a new state. Scott Carney writes in The Wedge the space or opportunity that separates mind and biology is a wedge that leads to transformation. When I choose to enter that space, I accept the wedge and welcome a new state. It becomes a new “home” in the pursuit of greater meaning and consciousness.
For some people swimming at 60F with or without a wetsuit is cold swimming. Growing up in SoCal, my friends and I would go to the beach to play. It’s always warm in California except when the water approaches 60, depending on beach location. The attraction to the freedom of a play state is far greater than superficial discomforts that parents constantly weigh in the spirit of some element of “health” (don’t catch cold). My boys embody that daily (...at least bring a hoodie...). We would bodysurf with the current until numb, walk back in the sun, do it again and again. In our context, the option to stay warm didn’t exist. (To this day I do not wear a wetsuit)
Water begins to change state from liquid to solid in the mid 30’sF. It becomes darker, its viscosity thickens, feeling creamier. Our physiological reactions change, intensify (exponentially) with each degree under 40F. It’s a magical place to be living and playing, in between the universe alive in conversation with itself.
Lately, chaos rules the state. So within. So without. Through entering a state of 38F water I explore the chaos within, seeking an antidote to reflect an ordered without. I employ 2 mantras; let the water hold me and be one with the water. How does the feeling of needles piercing your skin, surface sensations fleeing to my core during the first few steps reconcile with being one with the water? Body, mind, instincts (and some neighbors) are saying, in no uncertain terms, get out. First, is to disallow the option of “get out” to materialize. Once to my waist, my body cannot second guess the environment and begins to shut capillaries and shift internal systems. The sun is bright, the water dark. The plunge forward is a perverse reminder of returning to “my (cold water) home” and offers for me the greatest challenge. I can give attention to my body and how it responds to the cold or I can turn toward the water (swim toward the shark) and be held. It’s a tug of war.
My state changes when I let go and surrender to listen and feel the big picture outside. I need to slow down, make space for the love and overwhelming precision of nature’s compassion to hold me. This is the blood I seek to have flow through my veins and soul. This is what I want to carry with me on to dry land, from stroke to step. Fuck yeah, we so need this now. My eyes are closed. The water is here, ever present for a conversation, for intimacy, for pain and joy, questions and answers. It speaks when I listen. My God.
I swam this weekend for clarity of purpose. I am grateful for the tribe of open water swimmers dedicated to this communion. Meeting these perfect strangers for the first time brings a familiar comfort of having known them for years. Regardless of how we personally process or consciously acknowledge the gifts of (cold) open water swimming, we share a more nourished soul and a state in which to nourish it.
A state that sucks the ego out of me, makes me small, doesn’t judge and whispers to me truth so simple and harsh that it becomes a gift of ultimate freedom. Freedom to explore and experiment in whatever direction, impulse or beam of light guides me. I hope everybody finds such a state to live in or visit, preferably at will. I strive to make each stroke, each second a work of art, existing for its own sake. The open water state provides a stark and unnerving contrast to what I see on land. What I see makes me sad, especially sad for my children. So fucking sad. I find myself in this sad state too often. To escape or seek ways to dull it seems obvious and plentiful. If sadness is suffering, others have suffered far far greater than I. It is a part of life. However, resignation or escape do no not sit well with me. My sadness for my children is pointless, if not selfish, without meaning.
The connection to the universe and the universality of the connection is my pathway to answers that reinforce or guide my meaning. How to be a compassionate person or compassionate in deed and spirit are what I seek lately in these swims. What I learned is that compassion is universal and universally deserved by and for every human. My place is not to determine who deserves or when I should practice compassion to others. Nor is it anyone’s place to make those determinations. We breathe one air, swim in one ocean.
Each of my swims consists of one stroke added to another stroke, to another and so on until miles are added to miles and a swim is added to another swim. In turn, my heart must first open with a thought of compassionate spirit, existing for sake of itself with an inherent energy that nourishes me. From that I hope to grow into an example of more courageous responses. Sometimes that is acknowledging uncompassionate thoughts and changing state to cultivate healing, replacing negative energy with positive. Maybe the result is cumulative cultivation of a healing state to supplant states of desperation and division that are devouring people.
I can focus on the encompassing cold and numb, or I can surrender to a path of infinite possibilities and energy. Compassion is a state of mind from which a united spirit is shared. Training my focus on being one with the water leaves no space for judgement or motive. I cannot change the water no more than it wants to change me. In letting live and letting go our conversation flows. A perfect stroke, a perfect body does not imbue me for a more perfect union with the water any more than a certain type of person or group is deserving of more or less compassion. Because like the water, compassion just is and accepts us just as we are, unconditionally without measurement, and so shall be channeled. My promise continues to pursue a state of healing compassion in my own heart. If only half of us practiced that half of the time, all would be touched. For now, I am one within one and begin here.
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Although I strive for that “perfect” stroke that propels me faster and further, I strive more for the ability to surrender and commune in harmony with the water as “one”. I believe swimming a 5K (approximately 90 minutes) under 40F (5C) is possible once true harmony is found.
Currently (2021), I am forming a training group, with Robert Soulliere of Breathe Your Power, that explores the latest in mindset practice, advanced physical, mental and breathing methods for ultra-marathon, cold water swimmers and other athletes. One component is practicing a compassionate attitude which opens the pathway for each person to create their own journey of expansion, experimentation, and anecdotal successes to further their swimming and lives. The foundation is built on comprehensive preparation, adaptation to internal and external conditions, and the practice of excellence in pursuing our goals.
Contact me at denis@waveoneswimming.com if you are interested in the training group. Comment below. Note: If I do not respond to a comment it may be because once I post, I try to do so without expectation, allowing the blog to fly on its own. My lack of response is not necessarily a reflection of the comment. Have at it.
